I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
