dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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