If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
