I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
