a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
