Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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