My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
