Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
