Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
