Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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