Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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