mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
