As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
