Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
