i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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