My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
