M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
FUCK WHALES
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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