Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
