you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
