The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
