at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
