I can text with my tongue
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
