she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
