I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
