The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize