I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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