Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm just crazy horny about you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
