what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
