in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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