TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
