walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
