I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
