I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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