I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Help. Why am I so naked?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
