Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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