so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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