You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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