the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
