I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
