Someone shit on the floor
Say something about gay babies.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
