If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
