I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
