So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
