i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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