margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
