11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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