I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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