I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
