I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
