i wish my penis had a tongue
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
