nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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