dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
