Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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