I'm gonna have a badass scar
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
