Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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