did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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