if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
