And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
