you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
