sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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