I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
