I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
